Sometimes I feel so angry. At what? I dont know really, angry at all, angry in general, angry with life, angry with everyone that surrounds me. Angry because I can't control my own life. Angry because people don't treat me as I would like to be treated and how I try to treat people. Is it so difficult to just be nice, to not go around putting knives in people's backs? Or treat them as filth, to use them and then throw them away as a used up tissue?
Sometimes I get so angry, inside my head I imagine all sorts of things I would lile to do to people. To people that have hurt me. I wish I could hurt them back. And not only in their feelings, like physically. I imagine all sort of gory things I would like to do to them. Cut, maim, hit, dismember, disbowel, destroy completly. I do believe they deserve it. Or even more cunningly sorts of hurts, like doing awful things to their beloved ones and letting them see it all. After, I kind of feel bad for having these thoughts. I think, maybe I am not a very nice person for imagining all these things, maybe I should have my head checked.
I’ve never told anybody about this. Why? Well, I dont care much for those white suits that they bind around you. And I have never, ever actually done anything, I always repress them. Maybe this is what everyone feels, we all feel this anger inside us boiling up and trying to free itself and we just push it down inside us, trap it up in the bonds of civilization.
Wednesday 21 March 2007
Tuesday 20 March 2007
Hypocrisy at work
Why do people have to be such hypocrites? And specially at work? After working for about two full months at my job I was nearlly fired. My boss said he was going to fire me but that his righthand, a girl, convinced him not to. All this the three of us inside his office with a closed door. I found it absurd, there was no reason whatsoever why to fire me! And I said so, I asked him: Why??
After a lot of talking without really saying anything I ended up with the conclusion that it was because I had been absent for a week because of sickness. It seems you dont have the right to get sick, because then the work doesnt get done (specially if you are the only one there doing that work and there is not a lot of personell to give a hand). It doesnt matter that I was constantly in touch by email and kept doing part of my job my internet. And it doesnt matter that I asked him if he was ok with my work and he said, "sure, fine, your work is perfect".
But later, when I really sat down and thought about it all I realized something. I think it was all false, it a was ruse, an elaborate farse for two purposes:
- One, to make sure that I would really think twice about taking a sick leave and also of course, to work my butt off.
- Two, I was going to ask for a salary increase at the end or March, just as I said when I accepted the work. They have now effectively made that impossible (he even managed to make some sly remarks about that in the conversation).
I just HATE business men that have their own businesses and they are only trying to find ways to get more and more money out of them and if they have to step over their own employers to be able to buy themselves another car or take the kids to a fancy holidays, then so be it.
After a lot of talking without really saying anything I ended up with the conclusion that it was because I had been absent for a week because of sickness. It seems you dont have the right to get sick, because then the work doesnt get done (specially if you are the only one there doing that work and there is not a lot of personell to give a hand). It doesnt matter that I was constantly in touch by email and kept doing part of my job my internet. And it doesnt matter that I asked him if he was ok with my work and he said, "sure, fine, your work is perfect".
But later, when I really sat down and thought about it all I realized something. I think it was all false, it a was ruse, an elaborate farse for two purposes:
- One, to make sure that I would really think twice about taking a sick leave and also of course, to work my butt off.
- Two, I was going to ask for a salary increase at the end or March, just as I said when I accepted the work. They have now effectively made that impossible (he even managed to make some sly remarks about that in the conversation).
I just HATE business men that have their own businesses and they are only trying to find ways to get more and more money out of them and if they have to step over their own employers to be able to buy themselves another car or take the kids to a fancy holidays, then so be it.
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