Ok, so maybe he isn't a complete jerk

So maybe he is not as big a jerk as I thought he was. I don't know, I talked the other night with him because I really flared up during dinner. I know it was a stupid thing, he had AGAIN left the door of the kitchen to outside open and a fly came in, and I just hate having a fly bussing over my food! I am sorry but I cant help it, it gets me really histerical. So I kind of got up, saw that the kitchen door was open and well...ok, I admit I kind of screamed my head off. I mean really is it that damn hard to remember to close the stupid door? You woudl not believe how many times I have said that to him, again and again and again. And that just sort of got everything else flowing out later. Bit complicated conversation to tell but I kidn of told him that I am really tired of not having a boyfriend, that he never hugs me or wraps his arm anymore outside with people and things like that and specially the fact that he had nto said he loved me for ages. That went on for like a coupel of hours, and we founght, then we kissed, then he again put his foot in his mouth, I screamed a bit more, ended up making love.Yikes! Why are relationships so very complicated? It really shoudl not have to be like this. Seems he did get my point although not totally said I was completly right and it seems he is going to try and make things better. Mmm, lets see how long this holds up.

I am sorry but after my other depressing and awful relationship, I just cant be the one in the couple to put the 100% of pulling. I feel many times like a mirror, if a guy loves me and does really nice things for me I feel inclined to do the same (I mean if I like that guy, if I love him, not just anybody) but if the guy just shrugs and doesn't do anything. Why do I have to be the one to do it? I got really tired of that before. I will not go through that again, living in an one sided love relationship. If he stops loving me, and demonstrating him, I will ditch him, no matter if I still love him, because I refuse to be hurt again.

Am I stupid or what?

I really don't know why I fall in the same mistakes again and again. I thought I was through with that. Ok, so this one does not seem to be unfaithful and jumping at anything with skirts wich is a definite progress but he sure isn't my Prince Charming as I thought. He was so sweet at the beginning and convincing me to come back from abroad and to go and live with him. And now, now he is just a plain bore, he NEVER says "I love you" anymore, which you cannot believe how much it hurts. And he doesn't touch me so much, you know when you walk out and they walk with their arm around your waist or hand in hand, that sort of things. I sometimes feel like I am living with a flatmate. And now it is just so difficult to brake up, with things bought and so much time invested. I allready wasted 6 years of my life on a man and it I cant bare to think that I just stupidly wasted another 2 on another one. I just want to find someone who loves me back as much as I can love someone. I want stability and companionship with a little dose of sex and romanticism. Is it really that difficult?

Anger in general

Sometimes I feel so angry. At what? I dont know really, angry at all, angry in general, angry with life, angry with everyone that surrounds me. Angry because I can't control my own life. Angry because people don't treat me as I would like to be treated and how I try to treat people. Is it so difficult to just be nice, to not go around putting knives in people's backs? Or treat them as filth, to use them and then throw them away as a used up tissue?

Sometimes I get so angry, inside my head I imagine all sorts of things I would lile to do to people. To people that have hurt me. I wish I could hurt them back. And not only in their feelings, like physically. I imagine all sort of gory things I would like to do to them. Cut, maim, hit, dismember, disbowel, destroy completly. I do believe they deserve it. Or even more cunningly sorts of hurts, like doing awful things to their beloved ones and letting them see it all. After, I kind of feel bad for having these thoughts. I think, maybe I am not a very nice person for imagining all these things, maybe I should have my head checked.

I’ve never told anybody about this. Why? Well, I dont care much for those white suits that they bind around you. And I have never, ever actually done anything, I always repress them. Maybe this is what everyone feels, we all feel this anger inside us boiling up and trying to free itself and we just push it down inside us, trap it up in the bonds of civilization.

I feel so alone

Like there is nobody else near me that really understands me. There's really nobody I can confide in you know. Nobody at all. I think nobody knows me. Nobody is actually aware of my flaws, of how I think, of how I suffer. Sometimes I think that just nobody cares. Of if they care, they dont really care enough. Not enough to do any good at least.

I am soooo tired

I am so tired. So tired of everything, of being what everyone wants me to be, of convincing myself that I am fine, that I am happy, that I like doing this or that. And I cant really seem to be able to confide in anybody because if I tell anyone what I really feel sometimes, then it becomes real, then it's imposible to keep convincing myself. But at the same time I need to say things, I need to express myself in a way that it will be safe, that people wont be affected by what I say and at the same time, I can afterwards forget about what I said because nobody will know that I will have said it. Because the me you will be reading about is not the me everyone knows, it might not even be the me I know. I will try to express here what sometimes goes through my head even if it is very quick, even if afterwards I might not really feel like this. This is the real me, or is it not?