I broke up with him

I ma feeling so depressed. I broke up with my boyfriend AND quit my job on the same day. Job in the morning and boyfriend in the evening. I had already decided this in the weekend and on wednesday I was going to break up but they told me int he morning that they "did not need my services" anymore at my job too. So I thought, "shall I postpone the other thing". And the answer from my rational self was NO, definitely no, otherwise you will not be brave enough to do it afterwards. Because in the weekend I had just had it. I was soooo sick of him then. I think I will tell in detail about it.

Things are not getting any better

Things are definitely not getting any better. They seemed to for a little while but then they have gone down hill again. He still never says that he loves me and routine is getting to me. I don't imagine myself growing old with him and let alone having kids with him. He is like a child of 16, seriously, what's wrong with men? They just don't grow up!

The latest novelty is that he lost his job (they did not renovate his contract) and now he is unemployed. That would be bad but he is just plain happy, he says he is on holidays. And he has already said that he does not intend to get another job for at least September and then he plans on working for a pizza parlour to get money until he actually finds a better job in computers. Err, excuse me, but I did not start a relationship with a pizza guy!!! That is pathetic, I can’t possibly tell my friends that I am going out with a guy that is delivering pizzas, I am sorry but I can’t. Its pathetic. It is not pathetic in a general sense, I mean people who actually do that because they can’t find anything else is very respectable, but having studied a career and do that, outside of university years to pay your courses, is really pathetic. There is an age to do that.

He is slowly loosing all the things for which I actually started dating him in the first place. I wanted a guy who really loved me, who cared for me, who knew what he wanted because he was mature, whom I got along, that made me laugh, and I really liked that he worked in the computer industry because my job is so much into computers I can’t imagine going out with a computer illiterate person. He is loosing all the good stuff! Soon I fear there wont be anything left for which to love him! The other day he said he was sick of computers and wanted to be a farmer!!!! Ughhh. Yuckk!! I can’t bear it, I am a technological person, I need my partner to be the same.

Oh and the other thing, he is joining all these special courses and trips all over Europe, so most of the summer I am going to be alone at our house. You know, if I find a replacement I am most definitely not going to tolerate any whining. That’s what you get if you leave your girlfriend alone and don’t take care of her!!! I am not here for ever, and I am not safe and sound whatever you do!!

Ok, so maybe he isn't a complete jerk

So maybe he is not as big a jerk as I thought he was. I don't know, I talked the other night with him because I really flared up during dinner. I know it was a stupid thing, he had AGAIN left the door of the kitchen to outside open and a fly came in, and I just hate having a fly bussing over my food! I am sorry but I cant help it, it gets me really histerical. So I kind of got up, saw that the kitchen door was open and well...ok, I admit I kind of screamed my head off. I mean really is it that damn hard to remember to close the stupid door? You woudl not believe how many times I have said that to him, again and again and again. And that just sort of got everything else flowing out later. Bit complicated conversation to tell but I kidn of told him that I am really tired of not having a boyfriend, that he never hugs me or wraps his arm anymore outside with people and things like that and specially the fact that he had nto said he loved me for ages. That went on for like a coupel of hours, and we founght, then we kissed, then he again put his foot in his mouth, I screamed a bit more, ended up making love.Yikes! Why are relationships so very complicated? It really shoudl not have to be like this. Seems he did get my point although not totally said I was completly right and it seems he is going to try and make things better. Mmm, lets see how long this holds up.

I am sorry but after my other depressing and awful relationship, I just cant be the one in the couple to put the 100% of pulling. I feel many times like a mirror, if a guy loves me and does really nice things for me I feel inclined to do the same (I mean if I like that guy, if I love him, not just anybody) but if the guy just shrugs and doesn't do anything. Why do I have to be the one to do it? I got really tired of that before. I will not go through that again, living in an one sided love relationship. If he stops loving me, and demonstrating him, I will ditch him, no matter if I still love him, because I refuse to be hurt again.

To stand on your own two feet

I was inspired today, I was going along reading blogs, you know how that is, you start junping from oen to another and you end up god knows where reading someone's thought that you probably never will meet or never would have met. More or less as you probably are doing now. Well, I read this post about a guy who when he was little at school he was followed outside by two bullies and he actually attacked first and managed to avoid being hit after all. I thought whe was really brave. Most people are not capable of doing that and much less at that age.

It is very difficult for small kids to defend themselves of harrasment and bullying. I had that problem too when I changed from a private school to a public one back in elementary school. I only managed to stand on my own two feet a couple of years later when I entered high school. It was a truly revealing moment, when I screamed at a guy in first year that if he dared touch my chair again I would rearrange his whole face. (they had taken away my table and my first chair, we had some problems with not having enough furniture of good quality so people tended to grab the best when they went into class). Not only did the guy leave my chair alone, he quickly managed to give back my original chair and table and apologized abundantly. *grin*

Am I stupid or what?

I really don't know why I fall in the same mistakes again and again. I thought I was through with that. Ok, so this one does not seem to be unfaithful and jumping at anything with skirts wich is a definite progress but he sure isn't my Prince Charming as I thought. He was so sweet at the beginning and convincing me to come back from abroad and to go and live with him. And now, now he is just a plain bore, he NEVER says "I love you" anymore, which you cannot believe how much it hurts. And he doesn't touch me so much, you know when you walk out and they walk with their arm around your waist or hand in hand, that sort of things. I sometimes feel like I am living with a flatmate. And now it is just so difficult to brake up, with things bought and so much time invested. I allready wasted 6 years of my life on a man and it I cant bare to think that I just stupidly wasted another 2 on another one. I just want to find someone who loves me back as much as I can love someone. I want stability and companionship with a little dose of sex and romanticism. Is it really that difficult?

How to deal

I just finished seeing the film "How to Deal" and I just knew I should not. I feel now depressed just as I knew I would. I guess sometimes we are just idiots who do things even knowing that we should not do them. The film had a bit of everything that I feel strongly about, a father who leaves his wife and children because he hooks up with another woman who is much younger than him. Of course, in this film the father actually loves his daughters even if he has been a pig to the mother. He actually keeps seeing the daughters and is there for all their important moments. I guess you can imagine that I thought I would have liked to at least get that. And I would to be young again like the girl in the film, and to really feel love again. I feel like I will never ever be able to feel like that again, like I felt for him. Everything that I feel after just feels tainted somehow, not real, like I am forcing myself to feel that way. I thought I felt like that again, but it passed away and now I feel trapped in a cage that I constructed myself with my own hands. I wish I knew how to open the bars.

Anger in general

Sometimes I feel so angry. At what? I dont know really, angry at all, angry in general, angry with life, angry with everyone that surrounds me. Angry because I can't control my own life. Angry because people don't treat me as I would like to be treated and how I try to treat people. Is it so difficult to just be nice, to not go around putting knives in people's backs? Or treat them as filth, to use them and then throw them away as a used up tissue?

Sometimes I get so angry, inside my head I imagine all sorts of things I would lile to do to people. To people that have hurt me. I wish I could hurt them back. And not only in their feelings, like physically. I imagine all sort of gory things I would like to do to them. Cut, maim, hit, dismember, disbowel, destroy completly. I do believe they deserve it. Or even more cunningly sorts of hurts, like doing awful things to their beloved ones and letting them see it all. After, I kind of feel bad for having these thoughts. I think, maybe I am not a very nice person for imagining all these things, maybe I should have my head checked.

I’ve never told anybody about this. Why? Well, I dont care much for those white suits that they bind around you. And I have never, ever actually done anything, I always repress them. Maybe this is what everyone feels, we all feel this anger inside us boiling up and trying to free itself and we just push it down inside us, trap it up in the bonds of civilization.